Journal
Jane "Janie" Vardell Lawton Varn
Volume
II
Û July 17, 1889 - October 29, 1899
Ü
The front and back covers of this volume of JVL's Journal are
missing, as are one or more pages at the beginning and also at the end.
The writing on the first remaining page is badly faded and difficult to
read.
---letter
I am having a very quiet time here. I am sure would have enjoyed it
more if I had remained at the Doctor's.
Charleston, S. C.
July 17, 1889
Here I am at the Barret's [?] lying in bed and not feeling at all well.
I am going over to the Island and do hope this indisposition will wear
off.
Charleston, S. C.
July 23, 1889
I spent a most delightful day on the Island last Tuesday. Willie [?] was
so very sweet and nice but so sad she has never gotten over little
Don-Don's death. Uncle Powell gave me such a hearty welcome, and just
kept saying all day, "Well, Jane, I am glad to see you." It made me feel
that they really cared for me.
Charleston, S. C.
July 24, 1889
I will leave Charleston today and am not sorry to do so either; it is so
very warm down here. Just as I was getting ready to make a trip to King
St., Mrs. Webb, Mrs. Lockwood's sister, came in to pay me a visit. Mamie
Oswald also called. She brought her little girl.
Kearse, Barnwell Co.
Aug. 26, 1889
Well, old friend, it has been a long time since I have had a chat with
you, and so many things have happened lately, too. The Doctor has been
ill unto death.
Kearse, Barnwell Co.
Sept. 9th, 1889
Oakside School House. After a vacation of three weeks, we, that is, my
three little pupils and myself, have begun our school exercises again.
For the first time we have assembled in our new school house. May God
grant us a prosperous session.
The Doctor, thanks to the One Who Rules All Things, is better and has
gone off with the hopes of entirely regaining perfect health. He left us
Thursday afternoon; how long he will be gone we know not, do not think
he could well tell himself. Mrs. Lockwood, Baby Janie, Rena, and myself
dined with Mrs. Wilson Friday. I spent a very pleasant day. Mr. Wilson
was off; had gone with the Doctor.
Saturday Miss Bell Carmade [?] and I went for a horseback ride. We
met with some mishaps. One was I fell from Bijou, and it was only God's
mercy which save me from some serious accident or, perhaps, death. Then
Miss Bell jumped from Maud while she was rapidly running. Neither of us
sustained much injury. The horse stepped on my arm, which still gives me
some pain and feels very heavy.
Yesterday we got ready, children and all, and went to church. On
arriving there, a lady, who happened to be outside with her baby,
informed us that the services were nearly over, so much to my
disappointment we had to get back into the carriage. We then drove to
the McMillams where I spent a most delightful day; the family were so
attentive to me, Mr. Julius McM. especially kind. I do think he is very
nice looking. Well must stop for this time. Nearly 11 A.M. Monday.
Kearse, S. C.
Oct. 26th, 1889
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable
in thy sight, my strength and my Redeemer," XIX Psalm, 14th verse — Mr.
Wilson's text today. Our thoughts are the springs from whence flow the
words we utter. Our associations have nothing whatever to do with our
thoughts and emotions. The more we strive to drive away evil thoughts
and supplant them with good ones, the less hard the struggle becomes,
until at last the heart becomes thoroughly purified. We cannot do this
in our own strengths, but depend on The Strength or Rock, i.e., Christ.
Rock is always typical of strength, hence its application. In a storm if
the anchor of the ship is firmly fastened to the rock, it safely rides,
held in safety by this anchor to this stronghold. So it is if we anchor
to Jesus, the storms and adversities pass over us without harm or
injury. My thought: the anchor represents prayer. I enjoyed the services
very much today. I hope, and by God's help they will, they will help me
to face and brave the temptations and trials of my daily walk. Oh! my
Father, cleanse the thoughts of my heart that they may be acceptable in
thy sight. I do so long to live a purely Christian life.
I did not get to Sunday School in time to begin to teach my class
today, for which I was very sorry.
Kearse, S. C.
Nov. 5th, 1889
My life is still going on peaceably. At times I feel ...
[this entry ends abruptly at this point]
Kearse, S. C.
Nov. 29th, 1889
Another school week at a close. I hope my little scholars have learned
some good and gained some knowledge during the past week.
Kearse, S. C.
Dec. 1st, 1889
I went to church today. Mr. Wilson gave us quite a nice sermon from the
VI Chapter of Galatians, 7th verse. "Be ye not deceived. God is not
mocked, for as a man soweth, so shall he reap." The following is some
sketches from it. "This is the sowing time. Now are the seeds broadcast;
be careful what you are sowing for so shall you reap. Whatever we do
here even to the smallest act or influence in any way, is like a pebble
thrown into the sea. The concentric circles spread out and do not stop
until the shores all around are met. Show me a man's amusements, his
literature, his companions and his works, and I can tell what character
of man he is."
New Year's Day, 1890.
Another year has begun its flight. Am I prepared to battle with it? It
is the question I am continually asking myself. With God's help, I am
sure I am. He and He alone can give me strength to cope with the trials
and temptations which each day will bring forth; then, too, His grace
will help me to take whatever of blessings he may send in a meek and
lowly spirit.
I do not expect to remain here more than two months, perhaps for a
shorter period of time. I dread so the separation from the Lockwoods.
Kearse, S. C.
Jan. 12th, 1890
One year ago today since I arrived here. It is Sunday.
Otranto Plantation
March 3rd, 1890
I have been here since last Tuesday. Brother and Helen are very good and
kind to see me and the children very sweet, yet at times I feel very
lonely.
Summerville, S. C.
Mar. 18th, 1890
Mamma, my own sweet mother, is desperately ill. Has been so for nearly
two weeks. I really do not think the Doctor, Perkins it is, knows
exactly what the matter is. At first he said pneumonia; now he says the
lungs are healed, yet she continues to get no better. Oh! my heart has
been so heavy that I find it impossible to engage in any kind of work.
How often I have thought what a hard life I had because I had to work.
Now I think with Aunt Julie, "Work is play when the heart is at rest. I
was to have gone on Friday to take up my abode at Dr. Lockwood's in
Charleston, but as you can see, Mamma's illness prevented [that]; now
there is no telling when I will be able to take my departure. Dear Mrs.
Lockwood has three children sick. You do not know how it grieves me that
I am unable to render her any assistance in this her time of trouble.
God knows I wish I could do something to help her. I can only pray "Thy
will be done," and try and do my duty faithfully here. At times I feel I
could do more good in Charleston than here, but my first duty is to my
mother.
My deafness is now a tremendous source of trouble and worry at this
time. I can only beg the Good Father to help me [with] this heavy cross
as he has hitherto done. It is such a heavy, heavy one, tho', yet while
I am in the midst of trying to be humble and carry it willingly with a
cheerful heart, all at once my terrible pride makes me act and say such
unchristian-like things. Never mind, I will hear alright in Heaven.
Cousin Min is still with us, and a dear good soul she is too in many
respects.
Charleston, S. C.
Apr. 6th, 1890
Oh! my God! how hard it is for me to write it. I have no mother on
earth; to think I cannot see her until my Heavenly Father sees fit to
take me home too. Oh, Mamma, mamma, would that I had been a better
daughter to you; it is hard to believe that my precious mother has left
me. God, I do say Thy will be done, but, oh! how will I get on without
my best earthly friend? My heart is sad. Good Father, comfort me in
thine own heavenly way. Jesus, when on earth thou didst see how we poor
mortals suffered, and indeed did not thou too participate in.
Charleston, S. C.
June 21st, 1890
Charleston, S. C.
June 22nd, 1890
I got no father than the date last night before sleep overtook me. It is
Sunday. I went this morning to Bethel to attend services.
Summerville, S. C.
July 6th, 1890
The waves of this world seem to delight in stranding me in this "City of
the Pines." It has always heretofore been a haven of rest, but, oh! my
spirit was troubled today. I went to our church for the first time since
my mother's departure for the Golden Shore. How I missed that loved
form, God only knows. The new minister preached his first sermon today.
I could hear him very well; his text was, "He saith unto him the third
time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he
said unto him the third time, 'Lovest thou me?' And he said unto him,
'Lord, thou knowest all things. Thou knowest that I love thee.' Jesus
saith unto him, 'Feed my sheep.'", St. John 21-17. I hope this young
devine will prosper in the Master's vineyard. I think the[y] need an
energetic young man in this town to do battle for the Lord. May he prove
adequate to administer to the spiritual necessities of his flock.
I know not how long I will have to remain here. On Wednesday last I
went over and stood that examination for the Scholarship at Winthrope
Training School. As to whether I get through or not will decide the
length of my stay. If not fortunate enough to pass, I will immediately
set about finding employment of some kind. I think I made a wise step in
withdrawing myself from the Lockwood family. I think they had come to
consider me a fixture in that household and just thought that I would be
willing to put up with any and every thing for the sweet priviledge of
remaining there. Let me exempt the Doctor entirely from these
accusations of my thoughts. Mrs. Lockwood, as dear and sweet a little
woman as she is, had gotten to be just a little too domineering, which
was one thing that my pride could not at all sustain. I am certain she
will respect me more for leaving.
This house is , oh, so lonely without my dearest and best.
Summerville, S. C.
July 25th, 1890
It is late, but I must record a conversation I had tonight with Brother.
He says if a man is changed and believes in Christ, showing this by his
deeds in this world, it is not necessary for him to come out in the
church and profess Him before men. I wonder if this kind of conversation
will suit God? I think not. Annie is restless, must stop.
S'ville, S. C.
July 29th, 1890 Alone as usual. I wonder if all my life is to be passed
in this manner? If so, I hope it will not be a very long one.
Summerville, S. C.
Aug. 10th, 1890
I went to church this morning. Mr. Glass gave us a very nice plain
sermon. Text: "There is a lad here which hath five barley loaves and two
small fishes, but what are they among so many?" He said that because our
ways and means of doing good may be small, we should not hold back all
together; do the best we can and maybe that God will see of it to crown
our feeble efforts with wonderful results.
Summerville, S. C.
Aug. 11th, 1890
Cousin Min came up this afternoon, is to stay until Wednesday. Dr. Ellis
dined here yesterday. We had a terrible thunderstorm yesterday
afternoon. I am very sleepy and tired, have been feeling so badly all
day. Miss Sue and Miss Joe Waring came on a visit this afternoon.
Summerville, S. C.
Aug. 18th, 1890
Twenty minutes of twelve, P.M., and here I am lying in bed, 'tis true,
but just as wide awake as an owl. Have just gotten through reading
"Through One Administration." Enjoyed it thoroughly. The end was quite
sad; the hero, Col. Tredemis, was killed, but have come to the
conclusion that it must be the last novel for some time. I have too much
work on hand.
Sis went to town Saturday. I miss her very much, cannot say I enjoy
housekeeping very much. In five weeks now, I will be in Columbia.
Went to see Mrs. Bulmer [?] this morning and took her driving. She
will leave for the city tomorrow. I found her a very pleasant
acquaintance. Mrs. Schultz and Pia dined here today, and we went driving
this afternoon.
Must try to sleep.
Summerville, S. C.
Sept. 6th, 1890
I came here last night. Had such a pleasant day yesterday and today.
Went up to Mrs. Lockwood's this morning. They were all so sweet and kind
to me. Little Janie is sweeter than ever and I think she is the best
child I have ever seen. The Doctor was so sweet and good and my darling
better than all. All these folks are just as kind and sweet as it is
possible for them to be., the Bennets, I mean.
Columbia, S. C.
Sept. 23rd, 1890
Well here I am, one of the Winthrope women; cannot say I enjoy the
position very much though. Mrs. Lamar is very sweet; the old gentleman
does very well. Miss Lamar, I think she is a Miss, is very nice.
Altogether I think I will become more satisfied after a while. I met
Mrs. Caldwell today. She is one of Winthrope's little women. She is poor
Willie Caldwell's widow; he died two years ago.
# 18 Plain St.
Columbia, S. C.
Nov. 20th, 1890
Time glides smoothly on. Nothing of very much importance has happened
lately. Only I have been sick again. What is to be done? Such a bad cold
as I have had and for such a length of time, too. Yesterday evening I
was very much inclined to have the Doctor sent for, not my doctor, but
Dr. Taylor. I have missed three days from school this week, am afraid
that it is going to count very much against me.
What can be the matter with Mrs. Lockwood. She has not deigned to
write me a letter for nearly four weeks. Can she be put out with me for
anything I have unintentionally done?
Miss Jimmie Lamar is to be married Tuesday after Xmas. She has
invited me to the wedding.
I must try and study a little for tomorrow Miss Leonard will not like
it if I do not.
Columbia, S. C.
Dec. 31st, 1890
A half hour more and the old year will be gone. A few more heart throbs,
old friend, and you will be numbered with your kind that have sunk into
the ages past, some into oblivion. But that will never be your fate, for
the record you bear stands out too clearly by far ever to be forgotten
by me. Mother, oh my mother, this year you passed away form my sight; to
think, before I can see her again, I, too, will have to pass through the
dark valley of the Shadow of Death. Dear Savior, be with me then to
sustain and uphold, as thou went with her in that last earthly conflict.
Let me not dwell on this. I try to keep before me that what has been
my temporary loss has been her eternal gain. Mother, you are waiting to
welcome us all to your Celestial Home. God grant that none will be
missing on that last great day, but together sing our makers praise on
harps of gold.
Miss Jimmie Lamar was married yesterday at ten o'clock. My best
friend in this house has left me. It would be almost impossible to tell
how good and kind she has ever been to me. I feel that God will surely
bless her for her thought for a lonely motherless girl.
I went home and spent Christmas. All were as sweet as possible. Went
to Charleston the day after Christmas. Mrs. Lockwood was her own dear
self. But the Doctor. Oh! I am so much afraid that friend will not be
here very long, and what a friend he has been; God will reward him. I do
so want to help him in some way. Oh! Father, spare him to those who need
him so sadly. All my friends were so thoughtful and sweet. God has
certainly blessed me giving so many.
The old year slowly slips away. I hope the close of the next will see
me nearer to God than I have ever been before. My Savior, what would I
do without Thy sustaining help in this wearying battle of life? The old
year is gone. Welcome 1891. Mother in heaven ... [The entry end with
this phrase.]
#18 Plain St.
Columbia, S. C.
1.18.91
Mary Kinsman, my sole roommate now, has gone to church; consequently I
am left all alone. I do not mind it very much tho', as it gives me an
opportunity to record a few thoughts herein.
I went to the Church of the Good Shepherd this morning. Mr. Mitchell
gave a nice sermon, a little peculiar though, I thought. His text was
Philippians IV, 13, "I can do all things through Christ which
strengthens me." He illustrated the amount of work St. Paul was able to
accomplish through the strengthening of Christ, how much he endured and
suffered which would have been impossible for him to do in his own
strength. From this he pointed out many practical lessons: how we must
first perform our duty to God; by so doing receive strength for the
performance of domestic and other duties. He said never let a man say
that he owes it as his first duty to his wife and children to neglect
the services of God on His day. God must be put first and foremost. It
will certainly follow that all other duties will fall into their right
places."
What was peculiar about the sermon he had neither a manuscript or
notes. It appeared to be an extemporaneous sermon — and oh! he was so
much in earnest. God will that some good was done.
No. 18 Plain St.
Columbia, S.C.
Feb. 1st, 1891
Sunday evening. What a sadly unprofitable day it has been. I got ready
to go to church this morning, even had my bonnet on. Just before
starting it commenced raining, and I thought it advisable not to venture
to take the long walk to the Church of the Good Shepherd, consequently
stayed at home. Read a sermon by Talmage and slept. 'Tis true the nap
was very refreshing, but I could have done without.
I intended going to Dr. Girardeau's this afternoon but was prevented
by the cloudy appearance of the weather and the muddy condition of the
streets.
Just from church. At the last moment Mary persuaded me to go. It was
a union meeting at the Washington Methodist Church. The sermon was about
the Y.M.C.A. and the progress it has made since its organization and c.
Mr. Flynn preached; his text was taken from C XLIV. 12. "That our sons
may be plants grown up in their youth, that our daughters may be as
corner stones finished after the similitude of a palace."
18 Plain St.
Columbia, S.C.
Feb. 22nd, 1891
Sunday night. It seems that no other time suits so well to have a talk
with you, old journal, as Sunday.
I attended morning services at the Church of the Good Shepherd. Was
obliged to go alone. Cousin Willie did not come for me as he very often
does, and Kathy went to Trinity. Mr. Mitchell preached from St. Mark,
XII, 43. "And he called his disciples and said unto them, Verily I say
unto you, that this poor widow has cast more in than all they which have
cast into the Treasury." The following are a few points from it: "Christ
did not rebuke the rich men for what they had put in, but for not
putting in according as they had been blessed. Upon the first day of the
week to lay by us in store, as God has prospered us. If a man gets a
salary of twenty dollars per month and out of that gives the Lord two
dollars, he gives as much or even more than the man who receives two
hundred per month and gives twenty. We must also possess the right
spirit in returning these gifts to the Lord; otherwise they are useless
factors in promoting our souls' eternal welfare. We brought nothing into
this world, and it is true that we can carry nothing out, so why not lay
up treasures where moth nor rust doth not corrupt. The heathens have
always devoted a portion of their belonging to their gods. Shall we as
Christian people do less than they?
Brother wrote me such a delightful letter last week. One from Mrs.
Lockwood came to hand this morning. She speaks of my going down there
Easter as a decided thing. I feel that it is something utterly
impossible, so must not let my mind imagine for a moment that it will be
feasible to do so. Oh!, how I would like to leave this place for a
while; what a boon it would be.
I have finished teaching my second week down stairs, and also gave a
practice lesson last Wednesday. Am glad to say I acquitted myself very
creditably indeed. The idea of the practice lesson filled me such
unutterable dread that I went to see Miss Leonard and begged her to get
me excused. She would not do it; now I am glad that she would not accede
to my request.
Of mamma! mamma! to think I have had to do without you for one long,
long year. Oh! my God! Help me to bear the separation in the right
spirit. One year ago tonight my precious mother was taken from us. What
a long, long time it seems to have been. Oh! mamma, I cannot realize yet
that I will never see you again on this earth; sometimes I feel that I
just cannot bear to live always without you.
18 Plain St.
Columbia, S.C.
April 29th, 1891
Holiay week, yet not a holiday for me, for I have not enjoyed it at all;
think I would have been far happier in school. When we go back Monday,
we will have but six weeks more. Then where will I go — is the question
which is constantly in my mind now.
Mary went home and Miss Douglas is off on a visit, so Miss Pouncey
and I are all in all to each other. She is so sweet and good; reminds
very much of my dear, sweet mother.
I am sad and lonely tonight. I have just finished reading Ben Hur;
the sufferings of our Savior, as pictured therein, are so realistic. It
makes me realize how unworthy I am to be called one of his disciples.
Miss Jimmie, alias Mrs. Moore is here. She is very sweet.
Columbia, S.C.
May 3rd, 1891
I did not go to church today. Mary came back yesterday; I did not look
for her until tonight.
Helen has another daughter. Am so anxious to see her. She made her
appearance on the 24th of April.
Columbia, S.C.
May 8, 1891
Helen's little daughter is named for Sissie. I am so glad they have
given her that name; Mamma would be too.
I went to the meeting of the literary society this afternoon. They
had Confederate Memorial exercises conducted throughout. The occasion
was enjoyed by all.
Only five weeks before I graduate, and then where will I go? The Good
Father only knows. I want to get a school for the summer months in
Spartanburg County and be able to stay with Miss Jimmie. She went back
home today.
J.A.M. has waked up again. A lovely lot of roses arrived today from
him. What is in his mind I wonder.
Barnwell County
June 14, 1891
"Plants and animals succeed only if treated according to their natural
qualities, and the education of a man will not and cannot succeed
without adapting it to his nature."
Ehrhardt's
Barnwell Co, S. C.
This is Tuesday morning. I have been with Mrs. Wilson since Saturday All
have been so good and kind to me. And I have enjoyed the freedom of the
country exceedingly.
Wednesday Night. Got a letter from Sissie this evening which has
disquieted me very much.
Ehrhardt's
Barnwell Co, S. C.
June 21st, 1891
My God! Is there really no place in this world for for me? I am very
nearly frantic. I get perceptibly deafer as each day goes by. Sometimes
I am in doubt that I will ever earn a livelihood so bad are things
getting to be. I just feel wild with trouble and anxiety. I know not
where to turn for help, feel forsaken by everything and everybody. Even
my God seems far from me. I cannot pray any more in the right spirit;
such dreadful rebellion rises up within me. And when I think that I may
live for years, the thought is terrible. Oh! mother, mother, why did you
leave me so utterly alone.
Sunday Night After writing the above, I had a little cry, and then
knelt down and made a prayer. It is true it was very random, but then
God saw into my heart how troubled it was, and he sent me comfort and
hope. I feel tonight that surely after he has kept me this far, he will
not now desert me. 'Tis true my cross is very heavy to bear, and it
seems so much heavier than those of others around me. Yet I am confident
he will not leave me to bear it alone. Then, too, have I not an eternity
to spend in which I will hear with ears that will know no dullness. And
have I not the promise that "They who sow in tears shall reap in joy."
Dr. and Mrs. Roberts took tea here tonight. I am very much pleased
with her.
Ridgeway
Fairfield Co., S.C.
July 30, 1891
More than a month has transpired since recording anything in this book.
It has been quite a momentous one in some respects for me. I returned
home from Mr. W. July 27 [the Journal does say July 27, but Janie must
have meant June. Otherwise the dates of the individual entries don't
match up!]. After staying there awhile, this situation was offered me in
which I am teaching a lady, Mrs. Wilson, a young widow, calisthenics and
kindergarten methods. I gladly accepted it and came here July 11th.
God has been very good in raising up friends — and such good ones,too
— in this place for me.
This is a pretty little place; the scenery around is lovely. Mr.
Wilson has promised to take me in the direction of Longtown, where he
says some fine views may be obtained. I would not be surprised, though,
if he forgets he ever made such a promise.
Summerville, S.C.
Aug. 8, 1891
Home again. Got back last night. Am so tired can write no more.
Summerville, S.C.
Aug. 30th, 1891
So many changes have taken place in the last three weeks. The girls went
to the mountains on the 12th. While they were away I had Mary Kinsman
come up here to keep me company. On account of family troubles, she was
obliged to go home. Then Mrs. Lockwood sent Pretto and Gina up; they are
still here.
Aunt Julie returned with the girls. I was not very much pleased when
I heard she was coming, nor am I pleased that she is still here now to
stay no telling how long. I must [stop] and see about breakfast.
Summerville, S.C.
Sept. 11th, 1891
Nearly time for me for me to take my departure. I will go on Monday so
as to begin my duties on Tuesday. It is with dread inexpressible that I
look forward to school teaching. I can only say that with God's help I
will do all in my power.
Weimers
Colleton Co., S. C.
Sept. 16th, 1891
Here I have reached my destination. And, oh! how lonely is my heart. I
am boarding with Miss Maimie Varn. She is so good and kind. I like her
very much. My school is getting on, but I feel so discouraged about it.
Give me strength, oh, Lord.
Weimers
Colleton Co., S. C.
Oct. 4th, 1891
Sunday morning. There were no services at the Methodist Cross Swamp
church today; consequently, I did not go out as these people do not
attend any other church than their own.
Mrs. Weimer took me down to Mrs. Wilson's yesterday afternoon. Then
we sent for Lee, who is staying with Mrs. Jake Copeland. Poor little
man. God grant that some great changes will take place in him before the
years of manhood really come upon him. O, Doctor, how was it that you
ever had such a son? God in his infinite wisdom does what is right;
therefore, we do not question the work of his hands.
My school is giving satisfaction to most of the patrons. I do with
[all] my might but am not at all satisfied with the results.
I have such a pleasant home here. How thankful I am.
Weimers
Colleton Co., S. C.
Oct. 18th, 1891
Again it is Sunday, and again I have not gone to church..Mr. Julius came
yesterday.
Weimer
Colleton Co., S. C.
Nov. 7, 1891
"Jesus answered, Neither has this man sinned nor his parents: but that
the works of God should be made manifest." St. J., IX, 3. And is it thus
with me? Does God intend truly to manifest his gracious works through
this poor, weak vessel? If so, I pray God to give me strength to meet
and overcome each days trials and temptations, and to increase His holy
spirit within my heart more and more.
Oh! I do get so discouraged at times. I can then see no illumination
in any direction; and cannot imagine why my Kind Father should have made
such a poor afflicted mortal endure the thorns and briars of this
troublesome world without seemingly gaining any benefit therefrom and
doing nothing to aid His cause in this wicked world. O, God, my Father,
renew my faith and the fainting spirit within me. Make me a fit vessel
for thy service. Let me realize clearly that I was not put here for my
own selfish enjoyment, but for some mighty reason that thou thinkest
best to conceal from my mortal eyes. Let me not try to fight the world's
battles and against Satan with my puny strength, but be thou with me at
all ...[one or more pages of the Journal are missing at this point . The
next entry, shown below is also a partial one in which Janie is
apparently wrestling with the decision of marrying John Varn. What a
pity to miss the lost entires!]
Date Unknown
... for at times I feel that I can stake all my earthly happiness upon
him, then again across my soul rolls such terrible doubts that by taking
him I will be putting the seal to a most miserable existence. It is to
be hoped that there is soon to be an end to these hopes and fears. My
God! Direct. Spirit of my sainted mother be near me.
Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
March 4, 1892
The saddest month of all the year to me for was it not this month which
made me desolate? I try to bear in mind tho' that what was my loss was
her great gain. Mother! Mother! Are you happy in that Better Land with
so many of your loved ones around you? Father, mother, children,
husband, sisters, brothers, kindred and friends? — and better than all,
dwelling in the light of our dear Lord and Savior's countenance. Oh,
yes, I know you must be.
My father in heaven keep watch and guard over me . I need it now more
than ever. I have decided upon taking a most important step, viz., that
of changing my lot in life. God grant that it will be a wise one. John
appears to be everything that is good and true, and I am very nearly
sure that I love him. We are to be married in the fall.
Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
March 20, 1892
Mother mine, that date always puts a pain in my heart. Oh! my mother,
when God took you, my best earthly friend went away. I am more and more
convinced of that every day I live.
Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
May 1, 1892
Sunday Morning: – I am out in the woods trying to get some consolation.
I have not been at all well lately, do not know what [is wrong (?)]. [A
page seems to be missing here.]
Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
June 18, 1892
Why are we made such frail creatures, and why do we have to grieve so
much in this world of sin before we are permitted to leave it? My poor
boy is in so much trouble. We have just gotten the news of his brother's
death. My John minds it very much, and to think it is so I cannot be of
any comfort or service. I can only pray God to keep them all. Oh! his
poor, poor mother! What will she do without her dear youngest? Teach
her, Dear Lord, to say from her heart, "Thy will be done." Whom the Lord
loveth, he chaseneth. If I could only be of some assistance, I would not
have this dull heavy feeling. Death leaves a shining mark; how true that
is in this instance. Gerhardt bid fair to be such a noble Christian help
in this world of sin. Thank God he was fully prepared to go. I think
that Jesus, our Friend, will meet him with "Well done thou faithful
servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things. I will now make you
ruler over many."
May God bring out of this affliction many good results. "God moves in
a mysterious way, His wonders to perform." It is for some good end He
has seen fit to afflict us so sorely. Dear Gerhardt, when I think of
you, such a celestial peace enters my heart. For are you not at rest
with God's redeemed? Ah! what a world of sorrow and trouble you are
spared. It is not for you, my dear one's angel brother, that I grieve,
but for the poor, weak, weary ones left behind to endure the heat of the
day a little longer. God grant that when our summons comes, that we may
all be as well prepared as you, dear Christian brother, to answer then
and appear before the Judgement Seat of [the] Supreme Ruler.
Oh! my mother, my dearest mother, you are at rest too; do you wonder
that I sometimes long for the trumpet call so that I could be always at
rest.
God, if thou hast any work for me to do, let me know what it is, and
give me a willing spirit to await thy will. Father, let this sorrow
wherever it touches bring us all nearer and nearer to Thee, let us cling
closer and closer to Thee ever hereafter. Now God bless all my dear
ones, especially, especially those whose hearts are bowed down with
sorrow. Father let them see that it is Thy dear hand that is bending
them onward still onward. Show them that this separation is but for a
moment in comparison with the Eternity which Thou hast prepared for thy
saints to spend in glorifying Thee, the only true God.
Summerville, S.C.
July 10, 1892
Sunday morning: "The great thing is to suffer without being
discouraged." The prayer that rises from my heart is Lord let me not be
discouraged.
Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
August 18, 1893
One year of married life, one year of peace and happiness, one year
beloved by an honest, faithful, God-fearing man. My God I thank thee for
these many blessings. Help me to be more grateful every day. My little
Daisy is not quite two months and a half old, and a sweeter baby cannot
be found anywhere. Everybody tells me I have, indeed, a good child. How
God has blessed me. Even now she is kicking up her little heels and
playing with her father on the bed.
Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
Sept. 16, 1893
Another sad death to record. Not sad for the one who has gone before,
but for those grieving ones left behind. Mr. Gabriel Varn, John's uncle,
has left us. He died night before last. Poor Miss Mary takes it so much
to heart, and no wonder for he has been her one thought for more than
two years; i.e., since her mother died two years ago last July. I feel
so for Miss Mary, only wish I could help her bear her great sorrow.`
I am looking for Nimmie tonight, expected him two weeks ago, but on
account of the fearful storm we had on the 27th, it was impossible for
him to travel. I sincerely hope that he will not disappoint us this
time.
My little Daisy is growing finely, and of course we think her very
bright; she will hold out her hands to come to you and can turn herself
entirely over. She knows strangers already.
John's sister has another little girl, born 29th inst.
Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
Nov. 14, 1893
Only a month and a half left in this year; how time gets away from us. I
went home on the 10th of last month and stayed three weeks, spent quite
a pleasant visit, everybody was so kind and friendly. Marion returned
with me on the last day of October; she is still here. I find it so
pleasant having her.
Brother is very sick. The physicians of Summerville could do nothing
to help him, so Helen and himself are boarding in Charleston, and he has
put himself under the care of Dr. Buirt who says he has malarial
poisoning; he was very much swollen when I was at home, and now Sissie
writes me he has lost almost the entire use of his limbs. Oh!, I do feel
so sad when I think of them; what would his poor wife and four little
children do without him; God grant him a new lease on life so that he
can be with them a little longer; if he is taken, how we will miss our
dear brother.
My little Daisy is so sweet and smart; why she can say a word
already; whenever she is hungry, she cries "ninga, ninga" as plainly as
possible.
I had her baptized on Sunday, the 29th of last month, brother
standing for her god-father, Sissie and Mrs. Joe Bennet Rivers her
god-mothers. Mr. Glass baptized her before the service in the morning at
the church.
Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
Dec. 10, 1893
Nearly a month since I have written anything here in old journal, and
what sad news to record. Little Janie, my name-child, is dead. Ah, her
poor mother, Carrie, and Miss Gege how they miss her merry little voice.
I went to the Lutheran church today, carried my little Daisy, who
behaved beautifully. After services we went to Mrs. Wilson's where we
spent a very pleasant day. I met so many of my old friends over yonder.
All seemed so glad to see me. Mr. Julius McMillan and his bride were at
church. I did not get an opportunity to see or speak to her. My little
Daisy grows sweeter and prettier every day.
March 3, 1984
Nearly three months since a line has been written herein, and so many
things have transpired in that time. My dear brother has gone to his
last home; how my heart aches, not for him, for I hope, with him all
things are well, but for myself, his wife and little ones, and all who
loved him. Oh, those poor little children! Christ, look upon them with
pitying eyes and care for them at all times.
Helen and little ones spent two weeks with me last month; I was so
glad to have them here. Mary Kinsman came the 17th of Jan. and stayed
three weeks. I enjoyed her visit hugely.
John is off tonight. I miss my dear old man so much when night comes
and finds him away. Thank God, I have a good husband.
April 5, 1894
Death has been around again with his sickle keen. A husband and father
taken; Dr. Ola Varn went to his last resting place night before last. He
had been sick very nearly two months ago with a disease similar to what
brother died of. Oh, his poor young wife. She is nearly heartbroken; so
young to be left a window – not yet twenty. The little girl was two
years old last December. God grant that thy chastening hand may be seen
in this their great sorrow. Poor Miss _____, it is hard for her to give
up her dear brother. I can sympathize with her, oh, so deeply!
My _____ of a Daisy is not walking yet, but she crawls around at a
great rate, and gets, oh, so dirty. I can contrive no way to keep her
clean. She can say a good many words.
I had such an elegant vegetable garden, but the cold came the latter
part of last month and just ruined it. Easter, the 25th of March, was
such a rainy day, a very uncommon thing for Easter.
Sept. 2, 1894
Here it is very nearly fall, just four more months of 1894 left.
I am trying to wean my little daughter, and find it a very hard job.
Poor John, it nearly breaks his heart to hear her pitiful cries, but it
has to be done, and the longer I put it off, the worse will be the task.
Here I am fully four months on the way again. I felt decided movements
the middle of last month; I was so much in hopes that I would be free
until Daisy was two years old, but the Good Lord decided otherwise. God
grant that all will be well with me and the little unborn.
Marion Freer stayed some time with me this summer, came about the
12th of July and left the 7th of August. She will begin to teach the
Kearse school the middle of October.
Miley Varn is to be married the 19th of this month. O hope he will
find much happiness in the married state.
Daisy can say anything she pleases, walked before she was a year old
(oh, she is a dear little treasure; my daily prayer is that God will
spare her to me and that I will be able to raise her up to be a noble
Christian woman.)
This is Sunday. I am afraid that we do not spend our Sundays in the
right manner, being the first Sunday there was no preaching at Wesley.
Miley's
Dec. 23, '94
Christmas nearly here and the year nearly gone. John is thinking of
moving; he does not know exactly where. I hope the dear Lord will direct
him in whatever he may do.
Daisy is growing a big girl. I find that I have to manage her right
along; she is so sweet it is hard to punish her. I find [it] is a very
difficult matter to know exactly how to manage her.
Miley's
Mar. 14, 1895
The first writing I have done in this old journal in 1895. January 19th
found me the mother of another little daughter. Such a dear little
creature. I thank God that he has sent me another joy. John's sister was
so good and kind in my troubles. I hope I will find some way to reward
her for it.
My little Daisy is very fond of the baby, only she is jealous of her;
she does not like to see either Eddie or her father holding her. Daisy
is so smart; I am afraid that she is getting very much spoiled. It was
too amusing to watch her father trying to cut out paper dolls for her
tonight.
Col. Gregg is dead and Nimmie has gotten his position as
superintendent of the Farmers' Phosphate Co. I hope he will do much
better. O, if Nimmie were a Christian, how happy it would make me.
Ladies Island
April 19, 1896
Just to think, dear old journal, you have lain neglected for over a
year, and such an eventful year it was too. Oh, yes! God sent us much
trouble in it, but thanks to His Almighty Goodness, our little circle is
still complete. First little Daisy was desperately ill, was taken the
26th of March. We thought at one time it would be impossible to save her
dear life. How good our friends were to us in our time of need. Dear
Sissie came to me and rendered all the assistance in her power.
Daisy had her second spell of illness in June. We were spending some
time in Summerville; then I thought her father would never see her
alive, each breath for awhile was watched as her last. God was merciful;
he gave her back to us. Little Rena was a wonderfully healthy child
until she was nearly seven months old; at that time she had a severe
bilious attack; she has never been very strong since, owing, I think, to
a severe illness she had before she had entirely recovered. Of course, I
was unable to nurse her. Mammie Varn, in the goodness of her heart, took
and kept her for nearly two months, nursing her with her own little Emma
who is two weeks older. But as I say, she has never been the same
healthy baby she [was] before the first attack. I had her quite sick
last week but am thankful to write that she is much better tonight. I
hope when she is through cutting her teeth, she will get well and
strong.
Daisy is as fat as a butterball, but she is far from being a robust
child; she is uncommonly bright for her age.
My dear friend Mrs. Roberts took her heavenly flight July 18, 1895.;
hers was a spirit too good and pure for this sinful world. How I miss
her, words are inadequate to express. She left a week old baby and a
three year old daughter. Poor doctor was heartbroken, and well he might
be, for it will be impossible for him to get such another.
We came down to Beaufort the last day of November as a change for the
children and me, as we had all been sick in old Colleton [county] during
the fall. Our move over here was made the 26 of Jan. 1896. John has a
position under Nimmie. I thank God that our outlook is brighter than it
was some time ago.
Marion Freer will marry 27[th] next month. Who next?
Ladies Island
Nov. 6, 1896
Dear old journal, I feel that I am a changed woman. Oh, I am old and
broken; all my high aspirations have gone from me. And yet I thank God
that He still permits me to live for the sake of my dear little ones. O,
to think Mrs. Lockwood is gone! My darling, my darling, how hard it is
to think that I will never see you again. I feel heartbroken about my
friend leaving me; her death has shocked me inexpressibly. It seems as
if I cannot recover from it.
Ladies Island
Feb. 7, 1897
My birthday! Ah, what an old woman I am growing to be. But thank God I
am not unwilling to grow old. I feel reconciled to the added years when
I sit and contemplate the blessings that have come with them. If I am
older, I hope I am wiser. At times I feel so near my Maker, that must be
that I am drawing nearer and nearer to the final change.
Look at my temporal blessings. The most indulgent of husbands woman
ever had. He tells me again and again he is not worthy of me, but I am
feigned to believe that it is just the other way.
My two little daughters are two big blessings out of the many that
the dear Father has seen fit to shower upon me. Thank God, they have
well minds and well bodies, and I hope with His assistance it will be
well with their souls. I wish it were possible to set down here exactly
what my babies are. Daisy is certainly a fine specimen of childhood with
her rounded limbs and straight little body. Her sweet dark eyes peeping
out from the curly tangle of hair do not always meet mine with the
out-spoken look I would like to see in them. I am afraid my Daisy tries
to "beat old Satan around the bush" sometimes. God give me strength to
teach her to meet the world fairly and squarely at all times.
My baby Irene, I call her my sunbeam; usually she is the brightest
cheeriest, most out-spoken little creature living, helping and doing
each one good she comes in contact with, but lo and behold, the sunshine
is hidden, and a miniature hurricane prevails. No threats, punishments,
comfortings can subdue it as long as it lasts. From experience I find it
best to let it spend itself on nothing. When it is over, she is like a
little dove come in out of a storm, clinging to my neck, kissing me, and
patting my cheeks; one may still hear the heaving of the little chest.
If she lives to grow up, the spirit of God alone will able to subdue the
tempest hidden beneath that sweet piquant little face.
I am thankful to say that our prospects financially are better this
year. Nimmie has gone into a co partnership with Mr. Rivers in the store
and will put John in charge the first of next month. I sincerely hope
that everything will go on well, and also that John will be able to lead
an honest, straightforward life.
Death has again been near us. John's brother Willie was taken from
his dear ones on the 21st of January. His death was caused from injuries
inflicted by a young cow. Dear Father, look in spirit on the lone wife
and little children.
Ladies Island
April 10, 1897
O!, my kind Father, little did I think that the next time I wrote in
this journal, it would be to record the death of my precious baby. It is
hard to realize that my darling has left me. God, thou didst take her to
dwell with thee. Help me, O dear Jesus, help me to be submissive and
bear this great pain for my eternal gain.
Angel baby mother misses you! No words, no tongue can tell how much!
O God, forgive me for wanting my baby back. As she cannot come to me,
help me so to live that I will see her when thou doest release my spirit
from this mortal clay.
Ladies Island
April 21, 1897
O, heart of mine, why will thou ache so! God's knowledge alone can
penetrate the depth of my suffering and grief. I know that I still have
many sweet blessing which I do not deserve. But oh, my Rena, you were
the light and sunbeam of my life. God, my Father, grant that I will see
her again.
Ladies Island
April 24, 1897
Two months ago my precious Rena lay by my side breathing away her sweet
life. O, God, why have I to suffer this aching heart torture? Why do I
ask when I know it is to draw my wayward, worldly heart nearer to Thee.
I needed this humbling, O, Father; what have I been and what am I still?
A miserable, wretched, groveling worm not worthy of Thy care. Yet I feel
in my heart that Thou doest still keep and love me.
Ladies Island
May 9, 1897
My Baby, my baby, your poor heartbroken mother has you in her mind at
all times. Nearly everything I do or say makes me think of my Rena. A
sweeter babe mother never had. She was a blessing and treasure I was not
fit to keep. Lord, I beg Thee to cleanse me from all sin so I will see
Thy face and be a fit mother for my angel baby.
Beaufort, S. C.
June 15, 1897
I see above how I earnestly petitioned God to make me a "fit mother for
my angel baby;" but I think I should still more earnestly petition him
to make me a fit mother for my little Daisy. It is so hard to know just
how to do my duty by her. If grace is not given, it will be impossible
to do what is right. My little daughter has been very ill; I thank God
that he thought fit to spare her to me.
We are in our new quarters at Miss Stuart's house; it is nice here
but very lonely. I miss and long for my baby, but I am afraid that it is
not right for me to dwell on that as much as I have been doing. O, Lord,
direct me in all things.
Beaufort, S. C.
June 26, 1897
Just four months since we laid away the mortal remains of my angel baby.
O! darling! Mother went to your little grave, but not a flower did she
have to carry. I find it a sad pleasure to visit that hallowed spot. I
think it strengthens me for my daily duties. O! God, I need thy help
more and more each day.
My Daisy grows so sweet and smart, I am afraid I cling to her too
intensely, my precious little girl who is so much comfort to her
grieving mother. O! Lord, I know thou doest all things well, but it is
so hard for such a woman as I am to understand. Just help me to trust
and feel that I shall know all in thine own good time. I am so thankful
that John comes home every night now; it is such a comfort having him.
Beaufort, S. C.
June 27, 1897
Sunday night. John has gone to church. Daisy is asleep, so I alone with
my thoughts, my Bible, and you, old journal. O, my baby, would that you
mother could see you in her dreams, but when dreams come to me in my
sleep, they are of things unutterably horrible. I earnestly desire to
see that sweet face, but for good reason God withholds it from me. Pity
and comfort me, oh Savior.
Beaufort, S. C.
July 4, 1897
My God, how I do suffer for my shortcomings. I wonder if it will be
possible for me to learn wisdom in this world. O, God, why did I not
nurse my baby and not leave it to strangers to do? O, how I have
suffered for allowing myself to be overcome at such a time. I am such a
weak creature. Dear Father, it is from Thee alone I can get strength to
fight the battles of this life. I did not go to my darling's little
grave yesterday; I had no flowers to carry, and it is sad to go empty
handed.
John and my Daisy have gone to church. Dear little Daisy. How hard
she tries to make up to me my great loss. Oh, angel baby, may mother be
permitted to live right so that when God calls me, I will see Him and
you, and all my loved ones gone before.
Beaufort, S. C.
Aug. 9, 1897
More than two weeks since I have been to my darling's little grave. My
precious baby, how your mother misses and aches for you. It is hard to
live right. I find my tongue saying naughty things about people before I
know it.
Sissie, Annie and Miss Davis came here today. My darling Daisy grows
so sweet and loving. Ah, me, I pray God to spare me my one lamb, my
little comforter.
Beaufort, S. C.
Sept. 4, 1897
Oh, this terrible separation from my little one, flesh of my flesh, bone
of my bone. I try so hard to see why she was taken, also to look on the
bright side. Oh, my darling, only the Good Lord knows the void in my
poor heart; at times I cannot help but wish that I was laid by your
side. O, Lord, help me to say, "Thy will be done." "Renew my will from
day to day. Blend it with Thine and take away all that now makes it hard
to say 'Thy will be done.'"
Someone had just put fresh flowers on my darling's grave. I carried a
few over this afternoon and discovered them. It must have been dear
Sissie. It is very sweet to find someone thinks of my darling.
I do not grow in Christian grace as I should. I am too anxious for
the good opinion of this world. O, Lord, help me to give up all and
become wholly Thine.
Beaufort, S. C.
Oct. 24, 1897
What a busy woman I am these days. Thank God for employment which keeps
away demon thoughts. I am now doing all my own work; in the main I enjoy
it, only hope that I will be able to continue it.
Lou Muller is now with me. I find her very sweet and willing to do.
Hope she will gain something by staying here. She, John, and Daisy have
gone to Sunday school.
My little Daisy. How sweet she is. She often calls me her "darling."
She is my "best lover." She watches my face and tries to drive away
every sad look. I think I keep real cheerful. It will not be long before
God calls me, so why should I grieve for my precious baby? What a
welcome I will have. Darling mother and sweet baby waiting and watching
for me. Just help me God to see thy face, and all else will be added
unto me.
Ella came with Lou and stayed a few days. I was so glad to see her.
Beaufort, S. C.
Jan. 16, 1898
Another year has come, but my heart has no welcome for it. I hate to
look into the future. It all seems so dark. John is entirely out of
work. How are we to live in this town without money? I try to be patient
and feel that it will all come right, but find myself terribly cast
down. God in his own good time will help us if we but trust in him and
try to help ourselves.
My darling's first birthday since she was taken from me will be
tomorrow. O, my baby, oh, my baby, mother did not know what a treasure
she had until you were taken from her, my bright, winsome daughter. My
heart aches and longs for my baby. I fixed up her little grave last
Thursday. Father, forgive me and help me be a better mother.
Sunday, Jan. 23, 1898.
I went to the Episcopal church today. Lou accompanied me. The services
were very sweet; I enjoyed them greatly.
Miss Kate Fuller went to her long rest last Tuesday morning. Oh, how
I do feel for her poor mother. Don't I know just what terrible heart
aches she is suffering? It is nearly a year since I have been without my
precious baby, yet my heart longs for her just as much as ever. Never
mind, I am just that much nearer to her. Oh God, help me to live so that
when I am called home, I will see thy face and my dear baby.
Beaufort, S. C.
Feb. 20, 1898
John's sweet, gentle mother was laid to rest Friday, 18th. I feel that I
cannot grieve for her; she longed so to be at rest with her dear ones
gone before, now all trouble and pain is over. How can we wish her back?
I feel that I will miss dear mother much in the future; she was always
kind and good to me. To my little girls she was a devoted grandmother,
never once was a cross word or a frown directed to them. Hers was a
truly beautiful life; all loved and reverenced her. I feel that she is
indeed at rest. John went up to attend her funeral; I look for him back
tonight.
Dear Nimmie came yesterday to see if I needed anything. I really
think he cares for me despite his coolness of manner.
Beaufort, S. C.
Feb. 25, 1898
Friday. One long year that I have had to do without my baby. But then it
is one year nearer to seeing her dear face again. O, God, help me to
live that when I am called, I will see Thee and my precious baby lamb.
It is hard to live without her. Give me thy grace to live right.
Beaufort, S. C.
July 31, 1898
Sunday morning. More than five months since I have looked into this old
journal. Except for the void in my heart made by my absent darling, my
life flows on peacefully and tranquilly. But to think, my sisters are
going to leave me here in this old town, also Nimmie. I hate very much,
but must make up my mind to bear on as much as I can. They will leave
for Charleston on Tuesday, the 2nd of Aug.
Daisy grows so fast. I am so thankful that she has Alice and Kenneth
to play with her, otherwise she would be a very lonely little child.
Beaufort, S. C.
Sept. 25, 1898
MMy old man is not with me today, had to go to Colleton on business. I
miss him very much. I will be sick month aft... [This entry stops
abruptly at this point. "Sick" as used above is the standard euphemism
for giving birth.]
Beaufort, S. C.
Nov. 21, 1898
My darling little boy is one month old today. I thank God for my son,
and pray that he grow up a good man. He is a dear little fellow.
Everybody says he is fine looking. Daisy thinks so much of her little
brother. Dear as he is ... [The cover and one or more pages seem to be
missing at the end of this journal.]
-- March 19, 1886 to June 19, 1889 | Volume 8
Return Volume 1 | Volume 3a -- October 29, 1899 - July 22, 1922
Volume 1 -- March 19, 1886
to June 19, 1889/a>
Volume 2 -- July 17, 1889
- October 29, 1899
Volume 3a -- October 29, 1899 - July
22, 1928
Volume 3b -- September 1, 1939 – March 15, 1941
Volume 4 -- August 17,
1941 - August 22, 1943
Volume 5 -- October 1, 1943 -
June 13, 1947
Volume 6 -- July 5, 1947 - May
2, 1955
